It's hard

When the parents do not agree on how to raise a child, but it's even worse when it's a special needs child.

When I first met my  husband I thought I had won the jackpot.  What I didn't realize is that he was still dealing with issues his own (I think he's autistic - never been tested)  and those from growing up with divorced parents.  If I thought I could get him therapy and he'd listen, I'd be all for it.  He however has this "I know better than all of you" attitude.  I'm sure he thinks I do as well, but when something comes up, I do research and take into consideration how my child actually is.  Because as a trainer, I know fairly well that not all things fit all people.

So this was my birthday weekend.  Any plans I might have had, didn't work out, as he wanted to go do all this running.  And he was tired.  And one child started getting sick again. And And And.

Now my eldest has "health" issues (heart, kidney and spine).  So I watch her health closely and know when it's really time to react.  She's been fighting the viral thing for awhile now. 

The twins -- one has autism and one is delayed due to a brain condition (no one else has) -- I had them pretty calm and happy most of the weekend.  My youngest tends to bang her head on the floor when she's upset/frustrated.  My son I'm working on trying to get him to understand that he doesn't always get what he wants at the moment he wants (he's the autistic one).

Saturday we all pretty much just chilled.  Sunday, I was busy, cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, giving baths, taking care of a sick child, and finishing up orders on my side business.  Meanwhile I've learn to bargain with the twins when they want something.  If it's something I don't want them to have, I have to hide it usually and then bargain with something else.  It works for us.

So yesterday, I worked from home, eldest still sick.  I did that because we had dentist appointments at 2:20.  So I walk down at 1:20 and the twins were still in their pajamas.  So I had to get them dressed, diapers changed, etc so that by 2pm we could get in the car to get to the dentist.  By the time we got home we had an early dinner.  Hubby and I were talking about TVs, ours is going finally after 10-11 years.  So he (with my blessing) we to the store he wanted to buy one from to check out the picture quality.  By the time he got back home, I think it was 6pm and I decided to go upstairs for a bit.  My back (herniated and bulging discs) was bothering me.  Eldest came up as well.

And I swear to God, it's like 5-10 mins (if that) and the screaming, carrying on etc happen with the twins.  Around 7 I went down to get another jug of water and my daughter's antibiotic.  And I stayed down afterwards to do bedtime.  He was trying to get our youngest (brain delay) to pick up all the books she pulled out during the day.  He's screaming, she's crying.  He took the balloon away from the boy and he's crying now too.  And I want to scream at him.  The kids have basically stopped listening to him.  He thinks if he yells and screams and does it enough that they'll finally listen.  My approach is different.  I talk to them.  I ask them.  I don't order.  I don't yell unless they have done something bad or something that could hurt them.    Once in awhile I'll lose my temper, but I try not to do that.  So in a matter of minutes, I had them stop crying, doing what they were supposed to do.  Changing diapers and putting pajamas on them. 

Now I'm "intuitive" and am trying to live in a peaceful joyful energy and it's really hard when my hubby wants to be in this negative place.  The kids all know that he LOVES me -- he tells them and shows them.  This is also where we differ.  I put the kids first.  I feed them first.  I make sure they have what they need before I do anything.  Hubby is a bit selfish.  He's first, then me then it's a toss up at times between the cats and kids.  And my heart broke a little last night when my eldest told me she loved me more than Dad.  I'm really concerned if he continues down this road, he's going to alienate all of them.

So it's really hard on me, because he doesn't want to deal with their "issues".  I keep trying to explain how to do something so he doesn't have to yell, etc.  Sometimes it sticks .. often times it doesn't.  Again, with "normal" kids this situation would be bad enough.  But when you're dealing with autism and delays, it's so not helping.

So if anyone has any ideas to help, I'm listening, because I've tried about everything I can and nothing works for long.

Dealing with Autism

So, I finally got my son tested and found out he's "moderately" autistic.  Shock waves in the house.  Husband still doesn't want to deal with it.  He keeps wanting to treat him "normally".  However, that's not working. 

I still haven't had time to read up on anything or do much research.  I just am going with my gut.  I'm trying to work with him on "correct" behaviors.  Help him when he has the melt-downs because he doesn't get his way right then and there.  I've got stuff to start working on a visual schedule for him.  I bought an iPad (really for all 3 kids) even though I don't have the money to do so.  So I set up something hoping people could help me out a little bit with the cost http://www.gofundme.com/nhdehk 

I went ahead with the purchase because it's got apps that will help him work on his letters (I found out he's a visual learner) and working on the cognitive stuff - why things happen, who did it, etc. 

It's also good for my daughter who is delayed as well.  Getting her to focus (occupational therapy) and use her hands for fine motor skills.  So far so good!  Even big sister is getting something out of it - she's working on her math and money skills (she's trying to save up for an American Girl doll).

So I may be here time to time to talk about what's going on in my life with my kids.  Mainly because we're getting ready to hear the results of my youngest daughter's evaluation and starting getting the twins ready to go to kindergarten.  That alone is a big chore.  Since hubby and I don't always see eye to eye on how to treat them.

Wish me luck!

New Assessments

So after having my son observed, not once but twice, for autism, I made the decision to get him evaluated to get a definitive answer.  I was pretty sure that he had it.  There were little things that just were "off" from what my eldest does and even giving him the benefit of he's a boy rather than a girl for some of the behaviors, it turns out my mother's instinct was right again.

After having my eldest with her health issues, losing a child to complications to T-18 and then having my youngest diagnosed with a brain condition that no one else apparently has so she's delayed, I thought just maybe I'd have one "normal" kid.  Turns out not so much.  So I did grieve about that fact.  I took my time doing it.  I knew my husband was going to have a fit about the diagnosis.  So it's never an easy path for me. 

But this is where I suck it up.  It's not about me.  It's about them.  I am going to be the best Mom I can be and make them successful in their lives.  So now it'll be time to start learning about what I can do for my son to help him along "his" life.  I am daunted a little bit, but I'm lucky that I have a group of ladies that are there to support me and at least 2 of them have children with autism. 

I know I don't write a lot in this blog (or haven't yet) but that's because I've been so busy recently.  I'm hoping with the new year it slows down a bit.  I'm sure I'll have a lot to blog about as we work with transitioning the twins to school with their issues.