It's hard

When the parents do not agree on how to raise a child, but it's even worse when it's a special needs child.

When I first met my  husband I thought I had won the jackpot.  What I didn't realize is that he was still dealing with issues his own (I think he's autistic - never been tested)  and those from growing up with divorced parents.  If I thought I could get him therapy and he'd listen, I'd be all for it.  He however has this "I know better than all of you" attitude.  I'm sure he thinks I do as well, but when something comes up, I do research and take into consideration how my child actually is.  Because as a trainer, I know fairly well that not all things fit all people.

So this was my birthday weekend.  Any plans I might have had, didn't work out, as he wanted to go do all this running.  And he was tired.  And one child started getting sick again. And And And.

Now my eldest has "health" issues (heart, kidney and spine).  So I watch her health closely and know when it's really time to react.  She's been fighting the viral thing for awhile now. 

The twins -- one has autism and one is delayed due to a brain condition (no one else has) -- I had them pretty calm and happy most of the weekend.  My youngest tends to bang her head on the floor when she's upset/frustrated.  My son I'm working on trying to get him to understand that he doesn't always get what he wants at the moment he wants (he's the autistic one).

Saturday we all pretty much just chilled.  Sunday, I was busy, cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, giving baths, taking care of a sick child, and finishing up orders on my side business.  Meanwhile I've learn to bargain with the twins when they want something.  If it's something I don't want them to have, I have to hide it usually and then bargain with something else.  It works for us.

So yesterday, I worked from home, eldest still sick.  I did that because we had dentist appointments at 2:20.  So I walk down at 1:20 and the twins were still in their pajamas.  So I had to get them dressed, diapers changed, etc so that by 2pm we could get in the car to get to the dentist.  By the time we got home we had an early dinner.  Hubby and I were talking about TVs, ours is going finally after 10-11 years.  So he (with my blessing) we to the store he wanted to buy one from to check out the picture quality.  By the time he got back home, I think it was 6pm and I decided to go upstairs for a bit.  My back (herniated and bulging discs) was bothering me.  Eldest came up as well.

And I swear to God, it's like 5-10 mins (if that) and the screaming, carrying on etc happen with the twins.  Around 7 I went down to get another jug of water and my daughter's antibiotic.  And I stayed down afterwards to do bedtime.  He was trying to get our youngest (brain delay) to pick up all the books she pulled out during the day.  He's screaming, she's crying.  He took the balloon away from the boy and he's crying now too.  And I want to scream at him.  The kids have basically stopped listening to him.  He thinks if he yells and screams and does it enough that they'll finally listen.  My approach is different.  I talk to them.  I ask them.  I don't order.  I don't yell unless they have done something bad or something that could hurt them.    Once in awhile I'll lose my temper, but I try not to do that.  So in a matter of minutes, I had them stop crying, doing what they were supposed to do.  Changing diapers and putting pajamas on them. 

Now I'm "intuitive" and am trying to live in a peaceful joyful energy and it's really hard when my hubby wants to be in this negative place.  The kids all know that he LOVES me -- he tells them and shows them.  This is also where we differ.  I put the kids first.  I feed them first.  I make sure they have what they need before I do anything.  Hubby is a bit selfish.  He's first, then me then it's a toss up at times between the cats and kids.  And my heart broke a little last night when my eldest told me she loved me more than Dad.  I'm really concerned if he continues down this road, he's going to alienate all of them.

So it's really hard on me, because he doesn't want to deal with their "issues".  I keep trying to explain how to do something so he doesn't have to yell, etc.  Sometimes it sticks .. often times it doesn't.  Again, with "normal" kids this situation would be bad enough.  But when you're dealing with autism and delays, it's so not helping.

So if anyone has any ideas to help, I'm listening, because I've tried about everything I can and nothing works for long.

Dealing with Autism

So, I finally got my son tested and found out he's "moderately" autistic.  Shock waves in the house.  Husband still doesn't want to deal with it.  He keeps wanting to treat him "normally".  However, that's not working. 

I still haven't had time to read up on anything or do much research.  I just am going with my gut.  I'm trying to work with him on "correct" behaviors.  Help him when he has the melt-downs because he doesn't get his way right then and there.  I've got stuff to start working on a visual schedule for him.  I bought an iPad (really for all 3 kids) even though I don't have the money to do so.  So I set up something hoping people could help me out a little bit with the cost http://www.gofundme.com/nhdehk 

I went ahead with the purchase because it's got apps that will help him work on his letters (I found out he's a visual learner) and working on the cognitive stuff - why things happen, who did it, etc. 

It's also good for my daughter who is delayed as well.  Getting her to focus (occupational therapy) and use her hands for fine motor skills.  So far so good!  Even big sister is getting something out of it - she's working on her math and money skills (she's trying to save up for an American Girl doll).

So I may be here time to time to talk about what's going on in my life with my kids.  Mainly because we're getting ready to hear the results of my youngest daughter's evaluation and starting getting the twins ready to go to kindergarten.  That alone is a big chore.  Since hubby and I don't always see eye to eye on how to treat them.

Wish me luck!

New Assessments

So after having my son observed, not once but twice, for autism, I made the decision to get him evaluated to get a definitive answer.  I was pretty sure that he had it.  There were little things that just were "off" from what my eldest does and even giving him the benefit of he's a boy rather than a girl for some of the behaviors, it turns out my mother's instinct was right again.

After having my eldest with her health issues, losing a child to complications to T-18 and then having my youngest diagnosed with a brain condition that no one else apparently has so she's delayed, I thought just maybe I'd have one "normal" kid.  Turns out not so much.  So I did grieve about that fact.  I took my time doing it.  I knew my husband was going to have a fit about the diagnosis.  So it's never an easy path for me. 

But this is where I suck it up.  It's not about me.  It's about them.  I am going to be the best Mom I can be and make them successful in their lives.  So now it'll be time to start learning about what I can do for my son to help him along "his" life.  I am daunted a little bit, but I'm lucky that I have a group of ladies that are there to support me and at least 2 of them have children with autism. 

I know I don't write a lot in this blog (or haven't yet) but that's because I've been so busy recently.  I'm hoping with the new year it slows down a bit.  I'm sure I'll have a lot to blog about as we work with transitioning the twins to school with their issues.

I don't get it..

I have 2 daughters, each with special issues.  I lost a daughter to complications due to her special issue.  Then my son, who we thought was only behind in speech.  Until last summer.  They had done another evaluation of his speech and put things down about him in other areas as well.  Just a description.  But at the meeting I had questions that I was wondering if he was on the autism spectrum. 

So they told me they had some people coming out to observe some other kids in the preschool and so I had him looked at as well.

The 'experts' basically told me they are never on the fence about kids.  They either are or aren't.  But with my son, they're on the fence.  Certain things he does would put him in it, other things he does would kick him out.

And to be honest, I don't know how much of it is learned from my husband (whom I believe is on the spectrum himself) versus what is just him.  So I had them wait to come back an re-evaluate in the fall.  Figuring he'd be at school more.  I made an effort initially to be at church more so he'd be around more kids.

Well they came back out and are still not sure.  They wouldn't be completely sure until they tested.

We have to be getting ready to transition him from preschool to kindergarten.  I'd like to know yes he is or isn't before then.  Because it will make all the difference on how he moves through school.

So last night I tried to bring up the subject.  And of course hubby had a complete fit.  I didn't even get out talking about testing him to find out for sure.  So here comes another battle, where I will on my own, take time off work to get him tested.  Because I want to know for sure.

I'm sure I'll be extremely stressed about it.  But no matter how stressed hubby makes me on these issues, I will ALWAYS do what's best for my kids.

But I just don't get how he can not want what's best for the kids.. that truly amazes me that he doesn't look at it like that.

Crazy energy or just cranky?

I don't know what was going on with my kids last night.. or the night before.. <sigh> 

It's hard enough trying to find out from the one that can talk what's wrong, but from the two that aren't completely verbal.. that gets to be interesting.  The other night the youngest wasn't happy, but I couldn't get her to tell me why (she's delayed to missing part of her brain).  I kind of figured it was partly due to being tired and partly from being hungry.  Last night the boy asked to ride home with me from dinner (we went out).  As we're going, he starts shouting about wanting to go with Daddy.  So I'm like OK and walk him over and then start to leave.  Apparently the moment he got into the van with Daddy, he started carrying on about wanting to ride with me.  So he gets him out and walks him over to me and then the moment he's with me he starts in about Daddy again. 

Needless to say, by then I had had it and put him in my car.  Once we got on the road, he was better.  I don't know if it's energy created by the lunar eclipse that has the kids in a tizzy or just plain crankiness, but please.. this Mom would LOVE for it all to go.

The idea I had about my daughter and doing a book, well that got put on hold.  What I did instead is bought a red cape and she can be Red Riding Hood.  With the days getting colder, I think that's a better idea.

Wish me luck for tonight that the kids will be feeling better and not whiny as we have church.  Here's to hoping :)

Drama of pre-pre teens

My eldest is 8 years old.  I love her to pieces, but she is all over the place.  She can be happy one minute.. sad the next.. then angry after that.

I came home last night and she hadn't done all her homework.  I was running late, so I had her come up to try and work on it.  I can't do this.. I can't do that.. crying crying crying... just what I wanted to do for my evening.

She's a very bright young girl, but she gets caught up in "drama".  If it doesn't come easy to her she doesn't want to apply herself.

The teacher has commented a few times that her handwriting is very bad.  So I've been making her write out her spelling words.  Figure it's helping in 2 areas. 

Last night's math homework, she knew how to do but didn't know how to explain it.  So I wrote a sentence down for her and then she went into melt down because she couldn't write that whole thing in the space she had.  It was too many words.  So I tried to put it in a very easy way to show it and she doesn't do that either.  She "writes" it.  Which is fine, she did it her way and in her own manner, but this was an over an hour trying to get that one thing done.  And we still had other homework to do.  Of course this all comes up at "bedtime".  So there goes my going to bed early.  But we did get it all done.

I try very desperately to work on her confidence in a realistic manner.  I try to minimize the crying and carrying on she does.  I asked my Mom if I was ever like that and she told me no.  She apparently gets it from my Mom.

All I can do is pray when she becomes a teen it doesn't get that much worse.  But I have a feeling it'll be worse before better...

Ughh.. Fashion Designers..

I just found out last night that the school is no longer allowing leggings.  This frustrates me to no end.  I have a beautiful daughter, who due to her scoliosis does not fit "conventional" clothes.  So all I can buy her is leggings.  I'm just very thankful I didn't procure as many as I have in the past (luckily she hasn't grown in the past year).  But that's really the only pants she wears.

I tried jeans once.  Very few fit her right and the one that did, she couldn't fasten by herself.  Her one hand she is missing a tendon in her thumb, so it doesn't work like most.  Now I know there are kids that only have one hand and seem to manage, but they don't usually have the other issue that she has, which is her curve and not growing "normally".

She's only 8, but is only 4 ft, has approximately a 102 degree curve to her back and because of that wears 14/16 girls clothes.  I often have to hem things to fit her legs... but luckily she's grown just enough I don't anymore.  But who knows now?

I wish I could find someone that could make electric waists for jeans.  I mean come on.. they make them for women and for babies, why not for kids?  It would help many of us parents that have kids that would make this easy.

Or could the schools just say, don't dress "sexy"?  Nothing too tight.  That makes more sense.

I'm also worried about the parents that can't afford brand new clothes.  What if their child had leggings and now they're saying they can't have them?   Not everyone is rich.

Sorry for the vent.. but I had to get this off my chest.